Are you a talker or a listener? As parents, we must be both. Do you plan intentional time to listen? So often, we can just move on to the next thing and only offer correction to them, then wonder why they don’t talk to us as much as they used to. Of course, some teens are harder to get to open up, but we can do our part by being a good listener. Consider this: are you listening to connect or correct?

Listening to correct is seeing a conversation only for what is correct and needs to change. Listening to connect is heading into a conversation neutral, without having made up your mind beforehand how you are going to respond. It also means not having a ready-made story about what you think happened or did not happen, and the answer to go along with it. It may be easier and quicker to handle, but the more we do it, the more harm we can bring to the relationship. Of course, our teens need correction often, but that correction is better received when they feel like they have been heard.

What if you entered the conversation and just listened? What if you asked questions for which you had no answers and you made no assumptions? How do you think it would feel for them? If we don’t “listen to connect,” we could end up manipulating, dictating, or controlling the outcome of the conversation. Here are three ways you can be a better listener and responder next time you talk with your teenager:

1. Affirm their voice – It doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say. But we should often consider if they feel like they’ve been heard. What have they heard me say? When you listen closely for a glimpse into the heart of your teen and listen beyond their behavior, the possibility for connection opens up. They are more likely to come to you looking for more answers if you demonstrate a willingness to listen.

2. Pay attention to how you are listening and responding – Be aware of quick answers, your body language, your facial expressions, your eyes, your words, and your tone. Consider what is going on inside of you while your teen is sharing opinions and thoughts. The goal is to keep the lines of communication continually open, which is only possible through humility, a tender heart, and guidance by the Holy Spirit. One author put it this way, “Being heard is like being loved.”

3. Speak the truth in love – When it is time to speak, let’s guide them according to Scripture. Trying to control the outcome of their choices might fit better into your plans, but not necessarily God’s plan for them. Here are some important reminders: Processing thing over time teaches them more than what we want them to think; it shows them how to think deeply about the things that matter most.

Reflection: How well do you listen? What changes are you willing to make for the life of the relationship? Will you have the courage to ask for forgiveness if you haven’t listened well? Let’s take time to listen and love well.

“The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” (Prov. 15:28)

“Know this my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.  (James 1:22-23)

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4)